Why am I lonely?

As I sit here behind my computer, working and emailing with clients that I have never seen or met, I am thinking about how technology has disconnected us from each other.

Sometimes when I look up from my screen, I realize that I have nobody around me. All of my little "friends" live inside my iPhone. They're all happy and smiling and doing cool artsy stuff and drinking the best coffee and eating the best churros in town. Instead of hearing a story from my friends about how their day went, now I can just open my phone and watch their "story" on an app. Who needs to even communicate face to face anymore? Now we can access everything about each other without having to make any effort. 

Technology connects us indefinitely, but the problem with our connections that we make is that we count the number of connections, but not how connected we truly are. Our goal is to have as many "friends" and "connections" as possible, but not to actually grow those relationships. How many times do we meet someone and subsequently follow their social profile and then never say more than "hey" when we see them out in public?

So the question why do I sometimes feel lonely is easily answered if I think about my daily habits. I think I have the answer and I think that it is our own fault. Yep, It’s YOU. Ouch, okay, sorry.

But!...Here’s the positive thing about the problem being you, It only takes YOU to fix it.

Now the questions turns from why am I lonely to how do I establish real connections?

I am about to provide you with a few simple steps to combat loneliness as well as how to connect in a real tangible way…. Are you ready?

Step 1: Realize the difference between loneliness and solitude. 

Loneliness can drain you; Solitude can be restorative. 

If you suffer from anxiety, sometimes putting on noise canceling headphones can feel like heaven. (Now you know one of my tricks). I love people and I love talking and learning and understanding them better, but I also have to balance that out with silence. Being alone can bring peace and you should take time to meditate or do yoga or just spend time with yourself doing what you like to do.

Step 2: Put down your DANG phone and sleep!

One of the main indicators of being lonely is being sleep deprived. We all know that it takes a while to wind down when we have been constantly stimulating our brain with the screen in front of us. Set aside your phone an hour before you go to sleep. When you are all stressed out and haven't had proper rest, your mood is going to be low even when you're surrounded by people. When you are in this state, you will not be a good listener because you're so tired you can't even concentrate on simple conversation. Hence, no real connection.

Step 3: Plan something new

Use all of the brain power that you were previously using to stir up negative thoughts about how sad and lonely you are and go experience something new. That can be a new restaurant, new park, new museum, or text that new friend that you met last week and go do something together. It may sound cliche, but it actually works. New experiences help us to break the cycle of normalcy that we experience day in and day out. Your mind gets tired of the same old, same old and your thought patterns will not change unless you change them. I cannot emphasize this enough!

Step 4: Invest in the friends that you have

Call your friend. Sometimes you just shouldn't text. Some of you may not know how to do this; learn how. Invest in the friends that you have had for a while. Call them, check on them, make plans with them. Learn more about them and their lives. Be there for each other. Make meaningful connections and have deep conversations. (Wine and pizza always work for this).

Men and women need a social circle. It is extremely difficult to live alone, don’t do it. Don’t isolate yourself. If you are intentional in your friendships, you will always walk away feeling more satisfied, not more lonely.

Step 5: Do something kind

Whether that is donating your time to someone less fortunate than you or bringing your mother-in-law flowers, do something kind. Every time that we do something for someone else, we are not only helping that person but helping ourselves.

I have decided that this year I will take care of my social needs and I will be intentional with the friendships that I have. I hope that maybe I have encouraged you to do the same.

XX LOLA XX